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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26924731">weird sh*t i write on tumblr</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/wyntereyez/pseuds/wyntereyez'>wyntereyez</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>J.J. Sneed (2019), Once Upon a Time (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Animal Traits, Captain Sneed, Centaurs, Crack, Detachable Genitalia, F/M, Multi, Transformation, motaur, reverse merpeople, so much crack</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 01:56:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,843</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26924731</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/wyntereyez/pseuds/wyntereyez</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of ficlets I've written on Tumblr.  They're not the product of a sane mind.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Captain Hook | Killian Jones/Emma Swan, Killian Jones/JJ Sneed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. They didn't teach this in high school...</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This fic was inspired by a post on Tumblr about what it would be like if humans courted mates like animals.  Then I somehow ended up reading about random animal facts, and was reminded of how there were some species of octopus that threw their genitalia at the female, and this was born.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Emma’s parents had just settled into bed when Emma returned to the loft, but the got up as soon as they realized she was in distress.</p><p>It was probably the screaming that gave her away.</p><p>“Emma! What’s wrong?” Snow rushed over, ready to take her in her arms. David approached more slowly. Mostly because he’d taken the time to grab his sword from under the bed.</p><p>Emma drew in a breath. She needed words. Rational words. Words to describe a situation that was anything but rational. “Killian,” she gasped out. “He… He took his… It just…came off…and…”</p><p>David’s grip tightened in the sword hilt. “What did Hook do?” He growled. “Did he hurt you?”</p><p>Emma’s eyes were wide, and she knew she probably looked insane. And maybe she was; there was no logical explanation for what had just happened. “He…he threw his penis at me!” she blurted out.</p><p>Yeah. Her parents were going to lock her away.</p><p>“Oh!” Snow said, her eyes wide. “Emma, don’t you see what this means? He loves you!”</p><p>Wait…what?</p><p>“What?” Emma said.</p><p>“That’s how a man declares his interest!” Snow said excitedly. David just looked like his urge to kill was steadily rising.</p><p>“…what?”</p><p>“Did they…did they not teach it at school?” Snow faltered. “I know sex ed in schools isn’t always thorough, but surely this should have come up!”</p><p>If Emma’s eyes got any wider, they were going to pop out of her head.</p><p>Snow sighed. “When a man declares his intentions to court, he detaches his penis and throws it at his intended - he has to throw it, you see, or he could be killed for getting too close.”</p><p>“…what?”</p><p>This had to be a joke, right?</p><p>“No one’s ever told you this?” Snow asked uncertainly.</p><p>“No, because you can’t just…detach body parts!” Emma yelled. “Oh my God… Is this how you do things in the Enchanted Forest?!”</p><p>“It doesn’t work like that in the Land Without Magic?” Snow asks, aghast. “How do you know if a man is interested?”</p><p>“You talk! Or sometimes the guy sends a dick pic, but that’s just rude. You don’t…Oh my God, is Killian going to be a eunuch for the rest of his life?!”</p><p>“No,” Snow said, just as David growled “Yes.” Snow glared at him. “It grows back in a few weeks,” Snow explained. “It’s very sweet,” she continued. “It shows a lot of trust in your chosen partner.” Snow and David shared adoring glances.</p><p>Emma considered checking herself into the mental ward.</p><p>“I still have David’s -” Snow began.</p><p>“Oh my God, Mom!” Emma shrieked. She turned around and practically sprinted to wear her jacket was draped over a chair back.</p><p>“Where are you going?” Snow asked.</p><p>“Out. I need to explain to my dickless boyfriend that I didn’t understand, and then we’re going to not have sex!”</p><p>“You can still use it for that,” Snow called after her. “It’s actually really wonderful -”</p><p>OH MY GOD!“ Emma howled, and slammed the door behind her.</p><p>——-<br/>
I’m sorry…<br/>
(Vanishes from internet forever)</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Hair-Raising</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is what happens when Drama(TM) combines with discussions of hairy men, interspersed with gifs of sassy Sasquatches.</p><p>It's crack.  Not your thing?  Back out.  Still feel compelled to respond with hate?  I'll randomly select a song from my playlist and post the lyrics in response.  Just the lyrics, nothing else.</p><p>My playlist is mostly '80's music.  Don't make me weaponize Africa.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hair-Raising</p><p>Killian had told Emma, early in their relationship, that he wasn’t completely human. His mother had been one of the “Forest People”, which Emma had assumed had been some kind of fae, considering his elf ears.</p><p>He seemed to be no different from a human man, so Emma never gave it any thought.</p><p>Until Hope was born.</p><p>She started off normal enough - small, chubby, with a light fuzz of blond hair on her scalp (and, strangely, along the shell of her delicately pointed ears).</p><p>Emma assumed it would fall off, like most baby hair.</p><p>Except…it didn’t. Instead it spread, creeping down her neck to between her shoulder blades. It was so pale and fine, it was barely visible. Emma didn’t think Killian had even noticed, but if it kept growing, it would soon become obvious.</p><p>The night before Hope’s six month check-up, Emma brought it up to Killian. How, she wondered, had her husband, the doting father, not noticed?</p><p>He seemed startled by her reaction, and a little hurt by her accusation that he was oblivious to something affecting his child.</p><p>“Swan… I told you my mother was one of the Forest People,” Killian said. “It’s a heritage that Hope shares. Though I wasn’t expecting her to have this much hair. She may have a full pelt.”</p><p>“Pelt?” Emma repeated weakly. “Killian, what exactly is a Forest Person?”</p><p>“You mean, you don’t know?” Killian scratched behind his ear, thrown by Emma’s ignorance. “They’re similar to your world’s Sasquatch,” he said. He smiled wistfully. “My mother had the loveliest ginger pelt, I always envied it. Alas, I was never so blessed.”</p><p>Emma’s mouth hung open. “You’re…half Bigfoot…” she said slowly.</p><p>Killian scowled. “That’s a rude name,” he said.</p><p>“You’re…you aren’t that hairy…” Emma said faintly.</p><p>“To fit in, Liam and I learned to thin out our hair. I do it once a month.”</p><p>“Is that why you’re always tripping over your own feet? Because they’re so big?”</p><p>“Oi!” Killian yelped, offended. Then, “Maybe?”</p><p>Emma thought this over. “How hairy could Hope get? I don’t want her to be teased!”</p><p>“Forest People are respected, and even revered by some. No one would think to say anything bad about Hope,” he said firmly.</p><p>“Then what about you? Why do you hide it? Why don’t you grow out your hair? Just how hairy are you?”</p><p>“I…I don’t know. We had to hide our heritage as slaves, or our price to free ourselves would double, and…I just kept it up. I’ve been doing it since puberty, so I don’t have his much hair I’ve developed.”</p><p>“Would you let it grow out? For Hope’s sake? She would benefit from having someone like her around.” Emma may have licked her lips, and Killian noticed. His eyes darkened.</p><p>“Why, Swan…do you like the thought of me with more hair?” he purred.</p><p>“… maybe?”</p><p>Killian grinned. “Who am I to refuse my wife’s wishes?”</p><p>——</p><p>Killian, it turned out, got VERY hairy, though no more than an unusually hirsute person. The hair was lovely, silky soft, and shot through with ginger.</p><p>Hope only ever developed a light dusting of red-blond hair, but she discovered that her magical talents lay in hair manipulation, and would periodically grow it longer and fluff it out, to Emma’s amusement and frustration.</p><p>Emma loved her unique family, and would never ask them to change, but she hadn’t been prepared for the shedding.</p><p>So much shedding.</p><p>Everything was hair.</p><p>EVERYTHING.</p><p>But at least it made for a nice bit of revenge when Emma asked Leroy to unclog her tub one day, and he pulled out a knot of hair as large as a cat.<br/>
Emma would treasure his shriek of terror forever. She couldn’t wait to do it again…</p><p>——–</p><p>I’M SORRY.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Feeling (Pea)Cocky</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I’ve been playing with the concept “Strange Enchanted Forest Biology”, in which the Storybrooke residents have biology that’s a little different than what we see in the Land Without Magic. I usually like having Killian be the one who had the weird biology, but this time around, I wanted to reverse it, and posted on Tumbler that I was looking for a prompt where it’s Emma that has the weird biology and Killian who freaks out about it. A few hours later, Josh Dallas posted the Peacock ad on his IG. And then Jennifer Morrison posted one not long after. I figured it was a sign.</p><p>Takes place in the S4 hiatus, when we’re all pretty sure Emma and Killian had sex for the first time…</p><p>It’s not as funny as I was hoping, darn it.</p><p>Images are from Josh Dallas and Jennifer Morrison's Instagram.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <a href="https://imgur.com/u90SClQ"></a>
  
</p><p>ENCHANTED FOREST, BEFORE THE CURSE</p><p>David scowled at his reflection in the mirror. The man gazing back was him, but not. David had never had clothes so elegant, or hair so immaculate that not that not a single strand was out of place. Even the earthy scent of sheep and soil was gone, replaced by some floral scent that made his nose wrinkle.</p><p>“Let’s have a look at you,” Rumplestiltskin said. David grit his teeth, but turned obediently. Beside the Dark One, King George was scrutinizing him coldly.</p><p>“He looks like James,” he said grudgingly. He didn’t sound like a man grieving over a son, David thought, but someone annoyed by an inconvenience. “But he’ll never pass, not without -”</p><p>Rumplestiltskin waved him off. “Yes, yes, yes, I was getting to that. I fixed the other one, didn’t I?”</p><p>Fixed? “What are you talking about?” David demanded.</p><p>“Just a little extra bit all royals are born with. Don’t worry, you won’t even notice it after a while.” Before David could question him further, the Dark One waved his hand, and magic swirled around David. The skin on the small of his back prickled, then there was a flash of pain, which quickly faded, leaving a peculiar heaviness pulling at his back.</p><p>“Now, raise them up.” At David’s blank look, Rumplestiltskin sighed and flicked his fingers. The new weight shifted, rustled, and David was suddenly aware of something in his peripheral vision. He turned his head, jaw dropping as he saw what looked like golden <i>peacock feathers</i> to either side.</p><p>“He’ll do,” King George said flatly, and left. Rumplestiltskin followed, discussing the terms of a deal David wanted no part of.</p><p>David turned back to the mirror and stared at the golden peacock tail. He wiggled his butt, watching the feathers ruffle and gleam as the light played over them.</p><p>Okay, he had to admit, he looked damned good.</p><p>————-</p><p>PRESENT DAY</p><p>Emma examined her newly molted tail feathers, fanning her scarlet peacock train and admiring how the vivid hues brought out the gold of her hair.</p><p>Her eyes fell on the shears beside the sink, heavy duty ones she’d been using for years to trim the feathers down to something short enough to hide beneath her clothing. Her fingers closed around them, and she began to raise them.</p><p>She suddenly realized she didn’t want to. For the first time since she was a teenager, when she’d run away to live on the streets so no one saw her abnormality, she wanted her peacock train. Her parents had said it was a royal trait, that both men and women had the magnificent feather trains, and that she wasn’t a freak.</p><p>And when her parents, who’d had their trains magically trimmed due to the curse, were finally able to regrow them, Emma had been awed. Her father’s was a magnificent gold, and her mother’s was the silvery-white of her namesake, longer than David’s and ethereally beautiful.</p><p>She could be herself, here. Emma dropped the shears back on the counter with a clatter. She was going to do it.</p><p>She wondered what Killian would think…</p><p>——-</p><p>It was Date Night, something that always made Killian nervous. He loved Emma, and knew she loved him, but he was always worried he would do something wrong and frighten her away. He was a gentleman, yes… but he was also a rogue, a rapscallion, a scoundrel… practically feral, really. And here he was, wooing a princess…</p><p>This night in particular was especially important; Emma had suggested they go back to his room at Granny’s after. Which could mean…</p><p>Killian tugged at his collar as he hesitated outside of Emma’s door, undoing a couple of buttons in the process. He didn’t notice.</p><p>He knocked on the door with his hook, and Emma answered. She wore a shimmering red dress with a peculiar feathered train, and her hair fell in golden waves. She looked like a siren luring him with dark promises, and Killian was happy to follow.</p><p>——-</p><p>It was all going well until they got back to his room. They’d begun undressing each other, Emma undoing the last of his shirt’s buttons, he unzipping her dress, which began to slip down her toned thighs… Then Emma gave a seductive shimmy of her hips, a wriggle of her rump…and out of nowhere, feathers shot up and out.</p><p>Killian jumped back, tripping over the pants still around his ankles, and stared up at Emma and her…what the bloody hell was it?</p><p>And had he actually shrieked? No. Not possible. Captain Hook did not shriek.</p><p>“Killian? Are you all right?” She hurried forward and bent down, and Killian couldn’t even enjoy the view down her bra because he was staring at the feathers.</p><p>“What the bloody hell is that?!” Okay, maybe that was a bit of a shriek.</p><p>Emma stared. “It’s my tail. Train. Whatever. All royals have them, I guess. I was pretty damned surprised when they developed. Though not as surprised as you, it seems. How did you not know?”</p><p>Killian stared. “It’s not like I’ve seen a lot of royalty in person,” he sputtered. “Pirates aren’t exactly welcome at royal balls.”</p><p>“You haven’t seen the giant feathers peeking out from my mom’s skirts?” Emma asked, eyebrows raised.</p><p>Killian shook his head. “All royals?” Killian asked weakly. Emma nodded.</p><p>“…even Dave?” he asked a little enviously.</p><p>Emma nodded. “His are gold. Hadn’t you noticed that he’s been wearing longer coats lately? Or that my mom’s been wearing more skirts? It’s to protect the feathers.”</p><p>Killian had always prided himself on being observant; it was how he’d managed to stay alive so long. But somehow he’d managed to miss something obvious.</p><p>“Is it going to be a problem?” Emma asked in a small voice.</p><p>“Oh, Love, no,” Killian said, clambering to his feet and grabbing her hand. “I love every part of you - even the unexpected feathery bits. I’m a bit jealous, actually.” Killian eyed the feathers wistfully; they gave Emma a dramatic silhouette that he envied.</p><p>“A peacock tail would suit you,” Emma said gravely. “You’re cocky and flamboyant and a show-off; you definitely should have one.” She gave him a teasing smile.</p><p>Killian reached out and touched one of the soft feathers. “It’s just this, right? You don’t have anything else different that I should know about, aye?”</p><p>“Just this,” Emma said. Her feathers rippled and flared, and Emma pushed him back on the bed and pounced.</p><p>It turned out Emma was wrong; she did, in fact, share one other trait with peacocks: their blood-curdling screaming when she was aroused.</p><p>Killian figured he could get used to it - or maybe just cover his ears - but the next time they were intimate, they’d have to go elsewhere, because they really didn’t need Granny barging in again with her crossbow thinking someone was being murdered.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Waterworld - The CS AU that absolutely no one ever wanted</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The fault for this lies ENTIRELY on @killian-whump , who misread ‘Westworld’ on one of my posts. It’s not my fault I came up with this abomination.</p><p>I actually haven’t seen “Waterworld” since it came out in theaters and I was reluctantly dragged along to it, so I had to look it up on Wikipedia. The only thing I remember is the underwater kiss that helped the woman breathe. Which wouldn’t exactly work with someone who has a giant fish head, so…</p><p>Art is mine.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <a href="https://imgur.com/lnko1pR"></a>
  
</p><p>When Hook had arrived at their atoll, Emma had never imagined she’d find herself here. The fish man had been absurd, with his giant, gaping mouth and long, smooth body leading to skinny, hair-covered human legs.</p><p>She’d been more than a little repulsed, honestly. But when the Smokers had attacked and she’d sought escape for herself and Henry, she’d run to him.</p><p>Only to find an astonishingly handsome man in his place. If it weren’t for the fact that he wore the same hook for his hand that the fish man had, Emma would have thought there’d been some sort of switch.</p><p>It turned out Hook only had the fish head when he’d been immersed underwater for a time.</p><p>He’d agreed to take them, which was how they’d ended up here, sheltering beneath his boat as the pirates tore it apart in their search for Henry.</p><p>She was running out of air. The diving bell she’d used to explore the sunken city was long gone, and she was on the verge of choking.</p><p>Suddenly, something warm and dark engulfed her head, and she instinctively opened her mouth to scream. To her surprise, there was a rush of hot, fetid air. Disgusting, but breathable. But how…?</p><p>As her eyes adjusted, she realized the horrific truth: Hook had her head in his mouth. His gills were providing precious air. She tried not to wretch, telling herself this was preferable to drowning. She needed to survive, for Henry’s sake.</p><p>She was going to have nightmares about this…</p><p>Abruptly, Hook spat her out, and snagged her with his hook before she could drift too far. He pulled her to the surface, letting out a cry if dismay when he saw the burning ruin if his ship.</p><p>“Henry!” Emma screamed.</p><p>“Gone,” Hook said. “They won’t harm him, Love. They need him. We’ll get him back.”</p><p>“How?” Emma demanded, as Hook swam towards his ship, towing her along.</p><p>“I have an idea,” is all he said.</p><p>“I hope it’s better than your last one,” she grumbled. “Being deep-throated by a fish is something I never want to do again.”</p><p>——-</p><p>Together, they rescue Henry, find Dryland, and live happily ever after. The end.</p><p>…what? You thought I was going to take this seriously? I’m going off the deep end, remember?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. (Mis)Adventures in Baby-Sitting</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I asked for ideas for what to write on my days off, and @unworried-corsair suggested “mer!squid”. This is probably not what anyone was expecting.</p><p>I’M NOT SORRY.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Killian had been contacted by Ursula via shell phone, asking to meet on his ship, Killian hadn’t expected this.</p><p>He’d found her on deck, staring out to sea, with a tiny girl about the same age as Hope cradled in her arms. Ursula regarded him solemnly, a look the child mimicked perfectly.</p><p>“Thank you for coming,” Ursula said.</p><p>“I’m not one to turn away a lady in need,” Killian said. “Speaking of… who’s this lovely lass?” He leaned closer to the girl, and she scowled at him. A turquoise tentacle slapped him in the face.</p><p>Ursula smiled, a genuine one he hadn’t seen since she was a girl who’d still hoped for escape. “This is Uma,” she said. “My daughter.”</p><p>“She’s lovely. Takes after you,” he said, dodging another tentacle, only to be hit in the ear by a third.</p><p>Uma giggled.</p><p>“She’s actually why I’m here,” Ursula said. “I’m going to be away for a week, and I can’t bring her with me. I was hoping you could babysit.”</p><p>“Ah…me? A babysitter?” Killian scratched behind his ear. That was a new one.</p><p>“I’ve heard you have a child of your own,” Ursula said. “I know you can handle her. And you and Emma would be able to defend her if necessary.”</p><p>“Just how dangerous is this journey of yours?” Killian asked, eyes narrowing. “Are we in danger?” He didn’t want to bring trouble down on his home and his own child.</p><p>Ursula hesitated. “Not yet,” she said. “But if something were to go wrong…”</p><p>“Are you leaving immediately? I’d like to discuss this with Emma.”</p><p>Ursula nodded. “I understand. I’m leaving tomorrow morning. Please let me know when you have an answer.”</p><p>“Aye. Where will you be staying?”</p><p>Ursula sighed. “I’ll probably end up at Granny’s inn. But it’s better she stays near water for now.”</p><p>Uma squinted her eyes at him. Killian imitated her. Uma stuck out her tongue. Killian reciprocated. Uma giggled.</p><p>“Why don’t you stay on my ship for the night?” Killian asked. “My cabin is big enough for you and the lass. I’ll try not to keep you waiting for an answer.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Ursula said. Uma babbled something that Killian chose to interpret as a thanks as well.</p><p>——–</p><p> </p><p>When Killian brought it up with Emma later that night, he was surprised when she quickly agreed.</p><p>“It could be good for Hope to be around another baby,” Emma said. “Plus…I know you still feel guilty for what you did all those years ago. It might help you gain peace of mind.”</p><p>She wasn’t wrong. Killian felt guilty about a lot of things he’d done, and he tried to help as many people he’d wronged as he could.</p><p>Killian contacted Ursula to let her know, and he and Emma met up with her the following morning.</p><p>The calm, collected Ursula of the previous day was gone, replaced by a frantic mother trying to tell them everything they needed to know about taking care of Uma.</p><p>Killian assured her they knew what they were doing, and he was certain they’d be fine, until - “There’s one last little thing,” Ursula said. “Uma needs to be in the water a few hours a day, the deeper the better. I was hoping you would consent to becoming a merperson so you can watch her in the deeps.”</p><p>Killian’s jaw dropped. “What?” he yelped.</p><p>“Temporarily! It’s just while you’re in the water,” Ursula said quickly. “Once you dry out, you’ll have legs again.”</p><p>“Ah…” Killian had no idea how to respond.</p><p>“That wouldn’t be so bad,” Emma said. “Fins for a few hours a day? You may even enjoy it.”</p><p>“Tentacles, actually,” Ursula said. “Uma would be more comfortable if you had tentacles.”</p><p>“All right,” Killian said, feeling a little uneasy, but willing to give it a try. “Let’s do this.”</p><p>Ursula waved her hands, and Killian felt her magic slowly rise within him, like the tide coming in. Suddenly, his legs collapsed from under him, and there seemed to be way too many of them.</p><p>Much to his annoyance, his pants split.</p><p>Then things got really strange; his face itched, his skin crawled, and suddenly he found he was somehow looking both up and down at the same time. “Bloody hell!” he yelped.</p><p>“What’s wrong with his eyes?!” Emma cried.</p><p>Killian tried to look at her, but could only seem to see her feet. And the sky.</p><p>“Huh. I wasn’t expecting a cock-eyed squid,” Ursula said.</p><p>“A what?” Killian tried to glare at her. His eyes wouldn’t cooperate.</p><p>“Don’t worry, it’ll wear off in a moment, until you’re in the water. I really appreciate this, Killian, Emma. You be good for them, Uma. I’ll bring something back from a sunken ship, okay?”</p><p>There was a splash, and then it was quiet.</p><p>“Ah,” was all Emma could say. Uma giggled. Something poked at his skyward-facing eye.<br/>Then he felt it: a tingle of magic washing through him, and suddenly, he had legs again, bare and hairy and sprawled out in front of him like limp noodles.</p><p>But there was something really, really wrong - his eyes were way lower than they should have been, and still cock-eyed.</p><p>Also, he didn’t seem to have arms.</p><p>That was concerning.</p><p>Emma walked into the field of vision of his upward-facing eye. She looked horrified. “Killian?” She asked in a strangled voice.</p><p>He couldn’t seem to reply.</p><p>He tried to stand, but it was difficult without arms. What had happened?!</p><p>“You’re reversed!”</p><p>Reversed? Like, what, legs and a squid body?</p><p>Bloody hell, that was EXACTLY what had happened, wasn’t it?</p><p>Emma dissolved into hysterical laughter. “You look like a giant penis with legs!”</p><p>Uma giggled maniacally.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Unstoppable Force Meets Immovable Object</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I asked for suggestions for weird super powers I could give Killian, and this is from a prompt by @xhookswenchx in which Killian has the power to transform, but only into inanimate objects.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Killian was training in the gym when he first saw her.</p><p>(Who was he kidding - he was rolling across the floor in basketball shape, too dizzy from an impromptu game with a bunch of young Supes to have enough focus to change back). That was when SHE entered; a beautiful blond that had to be new, judging from how uncomfortable she looked in her regulation uniform, but she was older than the other new recruits.</p><p>Either a late-bloomer, or someone who’d been hiding her abilities.</p><p>Whoever she was, she was furious about something; her green eyes searing with rage (not literally, of course, which was fortunate, because they didn’t need another firestarter). She saw him, scowled fiercely, then kicked him with enough force that he punched through the concrete wall into the (fortunately empty) locker room.</p><p>Bloody hell! It was fortunate he was invulnerable when transformed, or she would have shattered every bone in his body. Or, well, deflated him.</p><p>The woman gasped and ran over to the hole, just in time to see Killian’s bum turn from a pebbly orange basketball texture to pale naked flesh.</p><p>So much for Killian being able to introduce himself with some dignity.</p><p>“What… WHAT?” she yelped.</p><p>Definitely new to the superhero game.</p><p>Killian plastered on his most charming expression. He almost offered his hand through the gaping hole, but he only had the one, and he was using it to cover his junk. “Hello, love. You must be new here. My name is Killian Jones.”</p><p>——–</p><p>Killian had been one of the first Supes recruited by the government for Project Storybrooke as a teenager. He’d been elated when they’d told him he had nascent super powers, and they wanted to help him train those abilities to use saving the world.</p><p>And then his powers developed…Killian had the power of transformation, a rare ability among Supes - but he could only become inanimate objects equal in size to his body or smaller. He was also invulnerable while transformed.</p><p>His ability had some uses - he could become a battering ram, or an anvil, or lately, gym equipment used by the trainees. But because he otherwise had human strength and vulnerability, he was little better than a well-trained human agent. Plus, he couldn’t transform his uniform, so he’d have the added vulnerability of being nude after. And then he’d lost his hand, and suddenly he’d been involuntarily retired to the role of teacher.</p><p>Until he met Emma Swan.</p><p>Her strength seemed to be limitless. She plowed through her opponents in training until no one was willing to spar with her. They’d begun calling her the Unstoppable Force.</p><p>And Killian became her Immovable Object. He was the gym equipment she couldn’t shatter, the punching bag that wouldn’t yield. Later, he became the weapons she could wield to smash her way through seemingly limitless opponents, and the shield that kept her safe.</p><p>They became an inseparable team. Unlike his previous teammates, she treated him like an equal partner. He had charm and finesse; he had the delicate touch she sometimes lacked.</p><p>It surprised no one when they became something more.</p><p>——–</p><p>“This is the worst idea we’ve ever had,” Emma hissed as she exited the limo. The lavish penthouse loomed over them.</p><p>From the vicinity of her cleavage, Killian grumbled, “I did offer to come as a purse, love.”</p><p>Killian clung tightly to Emma’s body, his diaphanous form flowing around her. Coming as a dress had been Regina’s idea; the invitation had been for Emma alone, and this way, Killian could sneak in as well and back her up as needed.</p><p>Plus, he was better at hiding equipment than an actual dress.</p><p>Killian shifted, trying to move the equivalent of his face from where it was sliding along her breast. He held back a sneeze. “Is that a new perfume, love?” Something was starting to itch. Eyes? Nose? Throat? Was he allergic to it?</p><p>Emma pushed her bodice up, ignoring the odd looks she received from the doorman as she glared down at her cleavage. “It’s Neal’s favorite. I don’t like it, either.” She flashed the doorman a smile and asked for directions to the private elevator that went to Neal’s penthouse.</p><p>Neal was Emma’s ex, and, they’d discovered, the son of the terrorist known only as Mr. Gold. He was trying to coax Emma away from Project Storybrooke, and Emma had agreed to meet with him in the hopes of learning more about their foe.</p><p>Emma made another quick adjustment as the elevator glided smoothly upward, growling at Killian to keep his hand to himself (what hand? HOW?) and then the elevator stopped. Emma took a deep breath (while Killian held his in his continuing efforts to hold back a sneeze), and stepped out.</p><p>To be continued..?</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. The Fish Whisperer</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This another super-powered Killian fic for @thesschesthair , who asked for a Killian who can talk to aquatic creatures.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had started with another curse that had swept through Storybrooke; the effects hadn’t been immediately obvious, but once they’d taken root, the changes had been startling.</p><p>Every resident of Storybrooke had developed super powers.</p><p>Some were minor, like the ability to change hair color at will. Some were powerful. And some were just plain weird, like Leroy’s ability to literally fart rainbows.</p><p>Emma’s parents had hit the power jackpot; they were the fairytale equivalent of Superman and Wonder Woman. Of course.</p><p>Emma’s power? To spontaneously explode into purple goo at very inconvenient moments.</p><p>Emma wanted a refund or exchange.</p><p>Bafflingly, Killian didn’t seem to have a power, something her father liked to rub in by shooting into the air and flying off, or running at super speed to poke at Killian or leave something on his chair without him seeing, or any number of other pranks his myriad abilities allowed.</p><p>Emma could sense Killian’s frustration at being left out.</p><p>And then came poker night.</p><p>It was the first such night in months; they’d held off in case anyone developed any mind reading capabilities. Now that all powers were firmly established, they thought it would be safe to resume.</p><p>It had become their custom, as a way to blow off steam: Emma and Killian, David and Snow (though she was mostly a snack provider, since it turned out that card playing made her scarily aggressive), Regina, Granny, and a handful of others. It was a lively, good natured time, and Emma had missed it.</p><p>Until she discovered she turned into goo whenever she tried to bluff.</p><p>FUCK.</p><p>Killian, on the other hand, was sweeping the games. He seemed to know whenever her Dad was bluffing, and he pressed his advantage. Emma frowned. Killian was a good card player, but not that good. How…? She was pretty sure he wasn’t a telepath, because there was no way he wouldn’t react to her very X-rated fantasies, so how had he done it?</p><p>He looked pensive on their way home. Emma waited, knowing he was working up to something. Finally, he asked, “Emma, did you hear it?”</p><p>“Hear what?” Maybe he WAS psychic after all. Emma thought really, really hard about shower sex.</p><p>He didn’t react, but now she was hot and bothered. Dammit.</p><p>“The fish,” he said.</p><p>Emma nearly swerved off the road. “The fish?” she repeated.</p><p>Her parents had won Neal a goldfish from the carnival a few weeks ago. To everyone’s surprise, it had survived, and was thriving. It was in an aquarium in the living room, behind where David had been seated at the poker table.</p><p>“She…she was telling me what cards David was holding.” Killian scratched behind his ear in embarrassment. “Not that I needed her help, mind you, but she seemed eager to be useful.”</p><p>“Ah…” Emma had no idea how to respond.</p><p>“She also seems to have a dirty mind,” he said. Even in the car’s dark interior, she could see him blush. “She wanted to see me the way your Mum had your Dad over the table earlier.”</p><p>“WHAT?!” Emma yelped, slamming on the brakes. And exploded into goo again.</p><p>To be continued…?</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. A Captain Sneed ficlet</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Using prompt #27 from a prompt list that was going around: “I’m pregnant.” combined with “JJ Sneed”.</p>
<p>I kinda, sorta stole the prompt..</p>
<p>Just to warn you, I kinda, sorta, definitely ship Killian with Sneed.  I regret nothing.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A Captain Sneed ficlet</p>
<p>———</p>
<p>“I’m pregnant,” Killian announced dramatically. “And it’s yours.” He ran his hand down the curve of his belly for effect.</p>
<p>JJ looked up from where he’d been stretched across the wagon’s bench, pretending to doze as he waited for the pirate’s dramatic exit.</p>
<p>Or not so dramatic, in this case.</p>
<p>“You are one UGLY woman,” JJ observed, his gaze sliding up from the bump, past the slightly uneven decolletage, to the hastily shaved face framed by a slightly moth-eaten wig.</p>
<p>Killian huffed, head held high, and tried to spring onto the bench beside JJ. He lost his balance and fell backwards, his belly slipping sideways.</p>
<p>JJ rolled his eyes and grabbed a flailing arm, hauling the other man up.</p>
<p>“You didn’t think I was so ugly last night,” Killian purred into his ear.</p>
<p>JJ snapped the reins, and the team set off at a jaunty pace. Not so fast as to attract attention, but it would put the town behind them quickly.</p>
<p>“And why are you dressed like that?” JJ asked, as Killian attempted to force his belly back in place.</p>
<p>Killian snorted. “They had your wanted poster hanging - you’re up to a $50 reward now, by the way,” (JJ preened a little bit) “ so I had to think of something. Swiped the clothes and wig from the brothel, did a quick shave,” his lips curled in disgust, “then snatched a bag and carried it out.” He patted his stomach again. Coins clinked. “Works every time.”</p>
<p>JJ guffawed. “How often you have to pass yourself off as a woman?”</p>
<p>“More often than I’d like,” Killian grumbled. “Hardest part is getting out of the dress.”</p>
<p>“I can help with that,” JJ drawled.</p>
<p>Killian might not be a beautiful woman, but he was a very handsome man, and JJ couldn’t wait to rip that dress off and expose the lean, sinewy form. Or maybe he’d take his time after all, enjoying the peek of chest hair between delicate lace.</p>
<p>But that would have to wait… couldn’t behave like that around the “baby,” after all…</p>
<p>——–</p>
<p>…and then I lost track of what I was doing because I was more tired than I thought…</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. BLOOD, BONE, AND STEEL (AND ENCHANTED WOOD)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>You know those commercials with the motorcycle centaurs (mototaurs?  motaurs?) I ran with that.  This may be weird even for ME</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Emma should know better by now.  This was the third time this had happened, the third time she had run out of gas and found herself stranded on one of the empty roads joining the United Realms.</p><p>But this was the first time it had happened in the middle of the dark forest that filled in the gaps between the disparate kingdoms.</p><p>The road was narrow, barely wide enough for her Bug, and the canopy closed overhead, creating a verdant tunnel that stretched on for miles.</p><p>The forest had become strange, these past few months.  Inhabited by residents that still weren't adapting to the changes wrought by the latest curse.  Residents that were devolving to a more primal nature.</p><p>At least they had legs, Emma thought bitterly.</p><p>Finally, the roar of an engine cut through the eerie silence, and Emma breathed a sigh of relief as a motorcycle hurtled down the path towards her.  Something that had been lurking in the undergrowth outside her field of vision crashed through the underbrush, gone before Emma could turn her head to look.</p><p>The motorcycle slowed, skidding to a stop beside her.  Henry held up the gas can he was carrying and raised his eyebrows in a look he'd learned from his stepfather.  "Again, Mom?  This can't keep happening."</p><p>Emma rolled her eyes.  "I can't see the gas gauge, you know," she scowled.  "Not all of us are as lucky as you."</p><p>Henry grunted; he wouldn't call himself lucky, but he was definitely better off than his mothers.  Or his step father.  The motorcycle rumbled as Henry rolled forward, to the gas cap that Emma obligingly flipped open for him.</p><p>She should be embarrassed, she knew, but this was her life now.  Until they figured out how to lift this curse, she has to put up with gas tanks and oil changes and flat tires and all the other problems of classic vehicles.  Because now they were her problems.</p><p>The latest curse was a bizarre one.  It had surged through the United Realms, transforming all mature adults into centaurs.  But not just the kind with a horse's body, oh, no... there were felines, wolves, deer, cows...and vehicles.  Storybrooke residents with strong attachments to certain vehicles found themselves literally becoming one with them.</p><p>Emma had found herself emerging from the Bug's hood, her torso a mix of organic and mechanical cables that vanished into the gaping maw of the hood.  Her thoughts started the engine and depressed the pedals.  She could open the doors as easily as flinging out an arm. The only thing she couldn't do was fill up her own gas tank, or do any sort of maintenance on the engine, which was situated in the rear of the vehicle.</p><p>Her ass, basically.</p><p>It was awkward.</p><p>Henry had fused with his motorcycle, his torso transitioning into the bike's sleek lines.  He had been as upset as the rest of the residents, but Emma had seen him sailing down the road with the wind in his hair, a joyous smile on his face.  Embracing the freedom, while still being able to fit inside his house at the end of the day.</p><p>Emma missed her house.  Her home now was the street in front of it. To sleep, she'd draw herself under the hood, like a turtle.  It wasn't comfortable.  And it was very, very lonely.</p><p>Henry shut the gas tank automatically, then apologized as he remembered it was a part of his mother now.  "Any progress?" he asked, pulling up to her side.</p><p>Emma sighed.  She'd been spending most of her time at Regina's, working with her and Zelena to find a cure.  Regina's curse was the worst; whoever had activated the curse had had a vendetta against the Evil Queen, and Regina had found herself a permanent fixture in her castle. Literally.</p><p>Zelena, at least, was mobile - but she hated having anyone see how her shapely body narrowed into a ratty old broom that swayed and lurched unsteadily.</p><p>"Nothing," Emma sighed.  She started up her engine, and began chugging her way down the road, Henry easily keeping pace.  "We're looking at transformation spells now, but we've found nothing even remotely similar to this."  She ran a hand through her hair, which was becoming perpetually tangled thanks to driving with her head out.  "I miss showers," she said wistfully.  Running her head under a hose just wasn't cutting it.</p><p>At least she had that option.  Killian...</p><p>Henry abruptly slewed sideways, and Emma slammed on her brakes as something stepped out in front of them.  She rolled forward before finally coming to a stop inches away from a savage-looking woman with the body of a wolf.</p><p>Ruby bared her teeth, stained with blood, then flipped back a a strand of red-tipped hair before loping away without a glance back.  </p><p>Emma and Henry exchanged uneasy glances.  Emma worried for her.  She was more wolf than woman these days.</p><p>They continued on, and Emma heaved a sigh of relief as the road joined one of Storybrooke's main roads.  She and Henry parted ways, Emma heading to her parents' farm to pick up Hope.<br/>Taking care of her daughter had become nearly impossible.  She could bring Hope home to play in the yard, and Hope could sleep with her within the Bug's hood, but basic care?  Emma felt helpless.</p><p>Her parents had gotten off lightly compared to others; her mother was a doe, and her father a stag.  They were small enough to live indoors, and they cooked for Emma's family.  While David put Hope in the Bug's passenger seat (no child seat, because Emma had no way to reach around and free her), Snow handed her a picnic basket.</p><p>Emma thanked her, letting her know what time they'd be back tomorrow, then headed to the other place where Emma spent much of her time: the docks.</p><p>The Jolly Roger was berthed at one of the slips normally reserved for the cannery, one of the only places where a vehicle could drive up to the water's edge and park safely.</p><p>The ship bobbed with the rhythm of the waves.  Its prow soared through the air above her, and below it, like a dark figurehead, was Killian.  Emma eyed him critically, not liking what she saw.  His hair and beard were a wild tangle, his skin weathered from constant exposure to the elements.  His clothes were stiff from the salt, and fraying badly because changing clothing regularly had become an ordeal.</p><p>He appeared to be asleep, eyes closed and arms folded across his chest, but at Hope's excited "Dadada!" his eyes opened, and he grinned down at the tiny girl pounding on the window.  Emma hid a wince; Hope didn't understand that Mommy felt that.</p><p>She opened the door, and Hope toddled out and shot straight towards Killian's arms.  Emma snagged her before she could get too far, grabbing the toddler and lifting her into Killian's embrace.</p><p>"How was your day?" Emma asked as Killian lowered Hope back into Emma's waiting arms.  She attached the leash to the little harness and life jacket the child wore, so they could eat in peace without fear of their daughter trying to take a dive into the ocean.</p><p>"Went for a sail," Killian shrugged.  It wasn't like he had much else to do.  "Ran into Leroy.  Almost literally."  The dwarf had restored a boat of his own, and now he was seabound, like Killian.  "He told me the Roger made my bum look big," Killian pouted.</p><p>Emma looked up from the chicken tender she was cutting for Hope and flashed him a grin.  Before she could respond, Killian whined, "Swaaan!"</p><p>She told him about her day, about the progress (or lacke thereof) they were making. After they finished eating, Hope began to chant, "Boat!  Boat!"</p><p>"How about it, Swan?  Fancy a sunset cruise?" He asked hopefully.</p><p>"I'd love to," she said.</p><p>The Jolly Roger shifted, as Killian moved several tons of ship into position.  He turned, offering his broadside, and lowered the gangplank.  Hope tried to dash up it, but was pulled up short by the leash.  Emma drew her back, so she was sitting beneath the hood by Emma, and carefully drove up the wooden gangplank, which was barely wide enough for the Bug.  It bent under her weight, but held securely, and soon she was on board, maneuvering around the small space so she was facing forward before letting Hope run wild.</p><p>There was a bite to the wind, a sign of approaching winter.  They HAD to find a way to reverse the curse before then, because otherwise too many people would be trapped outside to face the harsh Maine winter.  Her parents were prepared to take Hope, if it came to that, but Emma didn't want to think about that.  And Killian... he'd be trapped on the water, rarely able to see either of them because the docks would become to slick, too dangerous for her tires.</p><p>But she wasn't going to think about that now.  Now, she was just going to watch the sun go down and the stars come out with her family.</p>
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